63.4 - out the door

Hello dear readers...

I'm sorry I haven't been in much contact, but there hasn't been a great deal of news to share until now!

I'm into week 3 of Maintenance. Mind you - that is after around 5 weeks of actually maintaining my weight. Yet, my will to weigh in weekly has been sapped from being on WW for over a year. Now every fortnight seems just as good!
But good news! My last maintenance weigh-in showed 63.4 (down from the previous fortnight of 64.2). While my leader was concerned that I wasn't 'maintaining' - but still secretly trying to lose - I assured her that I would really try to maintain my weight.

Fortunately, the scales went back up the following day to an alarming 65kg. No matter, it was temporary also.

It's very difficult to get the hang of this maintaining thing - my body weight seems highly volatile, the slightest push either way can drop it as low as 62.8 (as happened Saturday) or as high as 65.8 (today, at the gym). While right now I am in between these extremes, lurking around 64kg, I am wondering to myself what exactly it means to 'maintain' your weight. Surely, and impossibly, it cannot mean actually keeping your weight stable. I feel that the habits I have formed and now do almost automatically will just continue to help me lose weight, albeit slowly. But my leader warns that if I continue to do this, my body will get so used to the lack of kilojoules, that it will never learn to function efficiently, and then when I resume eating 'normally' (ie. more) - this will result in weight gain. Everything she says makes sense. I should ease into eating more now, and attempting to balance eating more with more exercise = stable weight.

Hmmmm. Food for thought. Meanwhile, I am still on my secret mission to get down to 60kg, so I will forego trying to stabilise just yet. Rather, its something to keep in mind in 3 and a half kilos :)

Catchin zzzzzzzzzzzzzz's

So, it's been a week 'maintaining' my weight. I tell you, 'maintaining.' The scales this past week have not been underneath 64 ONCE, except that magic day I reached goal. Most usually, they are between 64.5-65.5kg. MOST DISHEARTENING.

Now, before you say that this is due to 'reaching goal' celebrations, or too many glasses of red, I have to present my defense. I've still been exercising, as usual, this week. I have been counting points, as usual, this week. The only difference - lack of sleep! I had no idea what kind of impact lack of sleep would cause. I'm studying, and at the moment, under a LOT of pressure to get things done. Because I also work full time, my schedule tends to break down to 1.5 hours exercise/get ready for work, 8 hours work, 8 hours study, with the remainder of the time sleeping or eating. Not sustainable! But on average this week I've gotten 5 hours sleep a night, not enough to achieve two REM cycles [apparently].

So, I noticed the scales creeping up each day, despite vigorous and regular exercise, and staying in points and loads of water. On Friday, I was at 65.9kg, a full 2.5kg above the week before!
However, I indulged in a night's sleep, a full 11 hours, and BAM! This morning when I woke up, I was back down to 64.4kg. Tonight I anticipate another full night's sleep, and a further loss. Fingers crossed.

Will need to weigh in for maintenance on Monday to claim being within 2kg of goal, so will definitely need a good night's sleep Sunday! Sweet dreams :)

63.9 - just in time

Weight Watchers Goal Weight!

63.9 was my official WW weight on Thursday morning - although my scales said 63.5 (?!).

Either way, I've done it! WWGW, here I am - to STAY!

I have officially begun maintenance, although I plan to keep attempting to lose. In fact, I may reduce points from 19 to 18 to see if I can't ramp up my weight loss for a few weeks to get well under the 64kg mark. Six weeks from now (staying within 2kgs of goal), I'll be a lifetime member :)

Then, ultimate goal is 60kg, and it's not far away now! I can bust that by July!

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Pictures to come (although I don't look much different, really.)

Closing in

Just a quick one tonight. After weeks of stress-gaining and over-exercising, I've decided to take it easy! The result: my scales are in the 63s!

All being well, I'll be weighing in at WW tomorrow morning to claim goal weight. Here's to the scales being on my side for the next 24 hours (oh, plus infinity).

ONE METRE!

Well ladies and gents,

I've DONE IT!

I've cracked the 1 metre milestone! Yes, I've lost over 100 centimetres from my combined body measurements since this exact time last year. Quite fitting, don't you think?

Next on the agenda, WW goal weight! Yep, still not at that one, although my scales are hovering around 64.2 (WW scales = 64.4). So sooooooon, my pretties, very sooooooon!

Holiday snaps

Aaaaah, holidays. The thought of cameras on holidays used to make me run for the hills (see my oldest post for snaps in the USA in 2006). Now, as you can see, I've become a lens vixen. Vanity! It's exciting to be vain, if only until I get some more wrinkles and become camera shy once more. Which is likely to be soon given all my sunbathing activity of late.

Yes, so, I was in Fiji during the dramatic events of last week. Which we didn't hear about AT ALL, given that they pander to tourists on resorts as though we're in a completely different country. No politics, no worries. Just please spend you money here, and leave happy. We'll keep smiling for you, you won't realise a thing! It made me feel very strange, stuck in a glass cage. Locals unwilling to discuss anything of importance with you, and change the subject back to you on the assumption that all Westerners are a) rich, b) self-obsessed *ahem* c) utterly disinterested in them as people, because they are an 'experience', and therefore we're really just back at b) again. Furthermore, there are 'towns' constructed purely for tourists to feel like they are getting out of their resort into 'real' Fiji. Ridiculous!

I'm in endless fascination of this, if only because I feel so guilty for visiting a country just to relax, without much interest in their politics. Although I tried immensely to enjoy myself (and 80% of the time succeeded), I had the nagging feeling of ignorance. Piggish ignorance. Feed your face, lie on the beach, drink some cocktails, stay ignorant.

Fiji saw a 2kg weight gain, not the predicted loss (ha!). This reversal is currently under construction. Stay tuned. :)

Fiji Time!

While there is a demonic thunderstorm outside, I can't help but think of the serene waters in my future. It's almost Fiji time! Tomorrow I'm off for a week, with the intention of doing everything I normally do, except on a tropical island. This includes losing weight rather than gainin, seeing as today I am mustering the bravado to weigh-in after so long, only to lose 200gms, or thereabouts.

But when I return, sunkissed from my tropical paradise, I will be a kilo lighter, and a thesis chapter richer.

Bula!

Hope and disappointment

Well this week has been a week of losses rather than victories. And not the good kind of losses, either. I know I look happy - that's just to mask the disappointment lurking behind that smile.

This dress is because I'm going to a book launch and out to dinner tonight, and felt like wearing something original. You know, express my individuality - no Cotton On dresses today. The cat is just because it's that time of day, he's waiting for a cuddle.

This week I did not achieve my WW goal weight of 64kg. I'm still hovering around 64.8kg. Despite 45 bonus points of exercise, there was no loss this week.

On the study/life front, everything seems to be falling down, or at least severely stalling. It's back to the drawing board for some aspects of my study - setting my timeline back a lot. It's difficult to look to the future knowing it's going to be a little bit harder from now on. Not even the prospect of a tropical island in less than a week is making me happy - as I know it will just set me back on the weight loss and study fronts on which I have been working so hard to achieve. No relaxation can come when my mind is so turbulent!

So I put on a pretty dress to fix everything. And cuddle my kitty.

TTOM as they say

Plans to weigh-in and claim goal weight have been completely disrupted by the natural cycle that determines my weight. That time of month!

Instead, I have been lethargic on the couch, fantasising about chocolate and generally weepy re: the biggest loser and teen movies.

Thus, plans for world domination, goal weight and maintenance are postponed until next week. Y'see, I shouldn't have counted my chickens...!

It's almost here...!

GOAL WEIGHT!

It's so close, I can smell it. Yesterday morning I weighed a nifty 63.9kg on my rocket scales. Tonight, a stable 64.5kg after lots of fluids. I suspect that by tomorrow I will be sufficiently svelte to weigh-in at my Weight Watchers meeting and claim Goal Weight!

Ha-ha! Perhaps I shouldn't count the chickens before they hatch.

But, all being well today, not too much salt, lots of exercise, lots of water, lots of vegies - and no late-night snacks - then tomorrow should go to plan!

Once I'm at WWGW, I still plan to lose another 4kgs, but will be officially beginning the 'maintenance' phase of the plan (meaning, in 6 weeks from goal weight, I will be conferred with Life Time Membership status, and will no longer have to pay for meetings... whoooop!).

Stay tuned!

Teetering on the edge

This post is about depression. Turn away now if you've never experienced it. Apologies for the length, but this post has been a long time coming!

Firstly, I am not depressed right now. I know this to be true because I have been depressed before, and I now know the warning signs, the behaviour, the symptoms, the horrible feeling. In a large step up from full-blown depresssion, I am currently just a little anxious and mildly stressed - but only in relation to a specific thing, not in relation to EVERYTHING, which, for me, was how depression played itself out.

I've been thinking about depression a lot lately, for a number of reasons. In particular, because I have a friend who swears by medication, and who while I was depressed and recovering, was telling me I wouldn't be able to get over it without medication also. In fact, I have several friends who have used anti-depressants, who all report the same feelings, which is the removal of the background anxiety and the ability to move through the day without panic attacks and emotional reactions to stressful things that previously would have prevented them from taking action.

For myself, I chose not to have medication. Initially because I didn't believe I was depressed, I believed that everything was just f**ked up, the world was cruel and that I was a failure and a victim of its cruelty. How could medication change any of THOSE things?! That's the real trick with depression, it masquerades as your own thoughts and actions, pretends to be you, pretends to be the way the world IS, rather than the warped filter between you and the world, and how your actions continue to perpetuate the negative things in your life.

I was lucky, I have an excellent friend (a life coach incidentally) who spotted my behaviour and set about 'fixing me'. She intervened in my miserable existence, made me accountable for my circumstances and told me I could fix it all! I hardly dared believe her. I felt like everything was out of my control, and that I was a victim of circumstance. I'd chosen 'not to care' anymore, but inside I was miserable. And my misery flowed out into everything I did, creating more misery. She cut off this pattern, making me examine my own assumptions. What was making everything bad? My negative reactions to situations. What was making me overweight? The fact that I thought 'the only thing I enjoy is a block of chocolate and a dvd, and I deserve to do something I enjoy seeing as my life is so unenjoyable.'

I started changing some of the more ingrained negative habits I'd perpetuated. Slowly they fell away, situations changed and became more positive. I won a $3000 grant because of taking positive direct action - which I would have missed out on had I not utilised opportunities presented to me, if I'd kept playing the victim. Joining Weight Watchers 'just to get the ball rolling' (ironically, as I thought I only needed to lose 5kgs, not 20kgs!!!), I lost weight steadily over 2008, while my circumstances kept getting brighter and brighter. I made choices regarding friendship, keeping my real friends and discarding my sabotaging frenemies for good. I made steady progress with my studies - the result of my new positive mindset - which previously I had thought just too hard, that I'd bitten off more than I could chew out of ignorance. Now I have made important discoveries and contributions to my field - because I believed I could, did the work, and voila!

And instead of turning to medication (I see the effect it has on my friend and wonder if it is actually helping her, or just delaying her from finding real-life tools to deal with her depression), I started running. Ha! I know! Running...!! Pfffft. Ok, so I started with 100m jogs, after which I was puffed, beetroot coloured in the face and exhausted, with long slow walks in between to catch my breath. Slowly they came together into longer jogs. Then I realised I was going too fast, slowed my jogging pace considerably and managed to jog an entire kilometer, albeit very slowly. After a year, I now I run about 3km five times a week, quite fast actually! I'm looking to increase this by joining some 5km fun runs and training for them.

I had been told about the link between exercise and happiness, but did not believe it for one second. HA! As if running, which HURTS, could make me happy?! What kind of counter-logic was that? But... I started noticing that if I didn't run for three days, I would flag a little. Everything would go a little grey, and the old mindset and feelings would crop up. The closest analogy I can think of is the 'hangover' feeling - where something's wrong, but you're not sure what it is, maybe it's something I did last night?! A little anxiety and paranoia = the first signs of depression.

So I ran. I ran to relieve study stress. I ran to relieve life-stress. I ran for mental health, not 'to be skinny', although it had both effects. I continue to run because it actually makes me happy, relaxed, calm, positive. Combined with the other choices I make, I hardly ever feel guilty, worried/anxious (about nothing), negative, angry, sad, or overwhelmed - which is how I felt ALL THE TIME only this time last year.

And now I feel pretty good about this being out in the open. I hope it helps anyone who feels affinity with it. All I can say is that it gets better if you want it to, and take steps to change it - whatever it is. If you start changing one thing, others follow, because you no longer want to tolerate unhappiness in your life. You don't allow it to be there anymore. Also, you can do it without medication (chocolate every night in my case!).

Wow, that made me feel better! I've been carrying all this around for a year, longer!
xxx

I ate the block.

Gobbled it all up. Allllll of it. Peppermint, cadbury, family.

Back on track now. No more Plan A restriction diet - now it's all my points, every day acurately measured. Plus exercise and lots of it. No more 15 points and 10 bonus in exercise - I fear this was a recipe for giant chocolate cravings. Now I am all about prevention, rather than cure!

Procrastination... and food.

Hi,

Well, I'm writing this as a form of procrastination, both from my studies (currently lurking in the Word document behind this webpage), and from the trip to the supermarket I will take soon if I don't change my own mind about consuming an entire block of chocolate.

You see, with the studies comes the urge for massive amounts of chocolate. Thesis-producing students worldwide are aware of this phenomenon. For some reason it calms the mind and shuts down stray thoughts like 'I'll just check facebook'. Instead, you munch your way mindlessly through the family block, but produce diamonds of word-thought in the process.

At the end you are left with the empty foil of the chocolate, but a full Word document, all in a night's work. Seems like a good trade, right? Bzzzzz, WRONG!

These are my old habits reappearing under stress! I did this once upon a time -15 kilos heavier- with alarming regularity. It would always have the desired effect. But the undesired side-effect was the weight. All subsequent redrafting of said written work required more choclate, so it was a problem that compounded over time.

Perhaps I'll have a hot chocolate instead, see how that goes :)

And a few 'after' pics to balance it out

Just so you know, I'm the one on the far right in the top photo, the far left in the bottom. And now I'm the same size as everyone else. Oh what a feelin'...

A feast of 'before' photos - Egypt and Greece 2007

Wow, hard to look at now. But looking at this selection of photos (and trust me, there are much much worse) really makes me realise how far I've come. Lately I've been realising that my mind hasn't been catching up with my body. When I look in the mirror and at recent photos, I still manage to see the fat girl staring back. What's worse is that I've made my now size 10 clothes 'fat' in my mind! If they fit me, they must be huuuge! That's the mindset I'm still in.

But the above photos help me realise how different I am now. I'm ashamed and embarrassed to look at these photos, but hey - who am I kidding?! Anyone who saw me two years ago would have seen exactly this! I wasn't hiding it, even though I thought I was.

I will just have to have another trip to Egypt again to re-take these photos with the new me.

The good news is that I now weigh the same as the girl pictured with me in the last photo - honestly, that's the only way I can objectively understand the difference. I remember thinking how skinny she was then - if only I could think the same for myself now!

64.9 - just in time

Impromptu weigh-in yesterday rewarded me for my random weigh-in efforts. 400gms lost!

This puts me at.... 64.9kg!!

As Plan A is clearly responsible for the forward movement, I intend to stick with it (as below) until the end of the week. I envisage WW Goal Weight will happen this month, to be sure, to be sure!

Happy St Paddy's Day everybody :)

Restriction

Sooo, Plan A worked for four days. On Thursday I glimpsed for the first time on the scales a 65.0kg!

This must have sunk in to my sabotaging subconscious, as Friday morning I was back up to 66.2kg after Japanese food and a chocolate pizza.

Aaaah, the trials and tribulations of caloric restriction. After a shocking weekend of pub food, clinkers and too-many-weight-watchers-treats, I am happy to announce I'm maintaining a stable 65.4kg. Which probably has a lot to do with the efficacy of Plan A, implemented earlier in the week.

So, today marks the beginning of Plan A (part 2), in which I stick to it perfectly all throughout the week, then resume normal points consumption on the weekend. Prepare to be amazed (not alarmed).

Plan A

Plan A:
- Eat under points, saving a safe number of points each day (no less than 15 for me)
- Exercise like there's no tomorrow (as though I'm on the Biggest Loser)

I have been implementing Plan A since Monday. Although there was one previous attempt last Thursday, this understandably fizzled out towards the weekend's wine festival activities. But the results of Plan A speak for themselves! On Monday morning, I woke up at 67.2kg - after a normal 17.5pt day on Sunday. On Tuesday at 5.15pm I weighed in at 65.3kg. Although I don't imagine any of this was anything but fluid, it seems that Plan A is putting me back on track towards the 'exit' sign of the plateau I've been stuck on. Here's to Plan A working its magic for a few more days to kick-start my weight loss again, before I resume normal points-consumption. I really don't want to have to implement Plan B.

Am I wearing the pants, or are they wearing me?

Ha ha, I'm in such a stupid mood today. Apologies in advance for this post. Essentially, I was once again perusing my wardrobe in the hope the something unworn and wonderful would leap out at me to wear tonight (this did not happen), when I can across my old work pants. Sportsgirl size 14.

I remember when I purchased these a year and a half ago, in August 2007. I'd just returned from overseas, where I had lost 5 kgs (although this went unmeasured, as I was too scared to get on the scales at the time - I just guessed because I'd gotten skinnier), and I squished myself into these pants in a Sportsgirl changeroom. 'Hurrah!' I mentally screamed, I had reclaimed my size 14 figure! Between then and April 2008 I fit into these pants in differing degrees of comfort, sometimes painfully tight, sometimes deceptively loose. I haven't thrown them away for that reason - they are my only measurement of where I've come from.

So, as I dragged them out of the wardrobe, and pulled them on without needing to unbutton or unzip them, I remembered just how far I've come. I've forgotten that lately, as I've struggled with the two kilos between me and WW LTM GW rather than remembering the 14kgs I've already lost.

In another changeroom the other day I fit into a pair of size 8 jeans. Albeit they weren't loose on me, and I wasn't going to buy them (didn't look so great), I mentally 'hurrah'ed myself again for another milestone achieved. Single digit pant size, amazing.

And I'm a liar, by the way. I didn't weigh in yesterday or today. My scales are still stuck, although I'm trying something new to get me off my comfy plateau, stay tuned.

The post that shall not be named

Right, so, boyfriend's birthday, a big slab of cake and some drinking. That's what I've been doing lately. The cake is still in the fridge - though it was supposed to go to boyfriend's place of work so it could be away from me. It's still there, 5 days later. Perhaps I can now throw it out?

The good news! I have a renewed enthusiasm to kick the last little bit before I reach WW LTM GW (that's a lot of letters, but you know what I mean). Sneaky scales glance says 65.1kg! Having said that - I have been up and down and dancing around 66 for the last three weeks. In fact, I haven't weighed in at WW in that long, either, in fear of officially 'gaining'.

I have resolved to weigh in tomorrow, in the hope that my 65.1 will stick around, and it's not just temporary fluid loss. I think I should anyway, even if there's a technical gain. It's the only way to get back on track. I'm aiming to get to 64kgs in the month of March. This will be the achievement of major goal number one! Then LTM should follow by May (I believe there are 6 weeks of maintenance on WW before one gets the goods for free). Hurrah, I can taste success!*

*Note: sweet taste of success is fleeting.

I looooove to couuuunt!!

May this be my motto until I reach goal weight. It's pretty much the only thing I have control over. I'm training myself to love doing what I do, knowing that it is the best thing for me, so I may as well enjoy doing what's good!

That goes for lots of things in my life. I'm training myself to love studying, rather than resent it or fear that I'm not good enough, or think about what else I could be doing. That's a recipe for unhappiness right there! Not to mention never finishing study because it takes a million times as long when you resist it.

The same for losing weight! There's counting, and then there's making things 'fit' within your points to make it seem like you're counting. Sometimes even fooling yourself in the process. This is what I do, occasionally.

And seeing as the scales haven't really been going anywhere for the last month, despite sticking to 19 points, then 18 points on a week of fast start, and upping exercise, I'd say I'm doing something wrong. Time to get the Count to give me an audit...

The Miracle of Fast Start

I'm considering changing religions. I've discovered a new holy book. It is blue-green and has the words 'Fast Start' emblazoned on its cover. I'm endebted to this book. It is a miracle of creation.

At this stage, I may be naming my children 'Fast' and 'Start.' That is how much I love it.

This morning, my scales clocked in at an unimpressive 66.1. I sighed, resigned to my fate of hovering around 66kg FOREVER, and thought 'it could be worse'.

But lo and behold, for the first time in recorded history, my scales are now reading a static 65.4kg AFTER LUNCH AND A LITRE OF WATER! This has never happened before. 65.4kg has only been a reality prior to consuming anything, and only when very dehydrated/physically ill. I have confirmed this several times just to be sure... yep, still the same!

So, I proclaim my allegiance to the miracle of Fast Start! It is only halfway through the week and already it is showing results, imagine what it will do by Monday!

Studytown = Stresstown

Right, so quick update on weight, I'm currently around 65.8 after brekky, which is good if you ask me! Day two of Fast Start, and already I'm noticing a difference. I think because I wouldn't normally spend 7 points on dinner, I'd eat a 4-5 point dinner then hoard the rest for... oh... as many WW ice-creams I could stuff in my gob. Fast Start really does help with one's bad habits that have concreted over the last 9 months.

Back to the point: I may have previously mentioned this, but I'm STUDYING. I have been studying since I left high school, and that was a fair while back. In fact, I've been studying so long I've forgotten what it was like not to have a constant and pervading feeling guilt whenever I relax (because if I'm relaxing, I'm NOT studying and thus not getting any closer to being able to finish study).

Anyway, I always had a problem when it came to balancing stress and motivation. Often, I would procrastinate until the very last minute, then be propelled by guilt and the fear of failure towards a heroic effort (ie. 4 all-nighters in a row to write an essay/chapter). To fuel these all nighters, I would inevitably reach for blocks of chocolate, pots of coffee and generally shitty comfort food. This would ensure I had the motivation to power through it, as well as the sugar and caffeine highs.

HOWEVER, since I started WW 9 months ago, I wasn't able to continue doing this, and expect to lose weight. So, initially, I modified it. I would still react to stress with unsustainable behaviour, but my sugar and caffeine highs were replaced with diet soft drinks and a few points-budgeted snacks. I managed to struggle through.

But in the last few months, I've been cultivating much better behaviour, generally. Not pulling all nighters, but doing work before the last minute. Working consistently, one might call it. But now I'm encountering a new problem... wanting to do better! At the moment I can't bust through a particularly difficult part of my work, and I'm finding myself reaching for comfort foods to stimulate my brain. That old link between eating chocolate and achieving the impossible (a whole chapter in 4 nights) seems to be resurfacing. It's as thought chocolate actually silences the part of my brain that talks smack while I'm trying to think (ie. The voice that says 'You can't do this! It's too hard! Your'e too dumb! Idiot! Aaaahh ha ha ha! I'm destroying you! You'll never escape me!')

So, the battle between good and evil is on, again.

The events of Friday the 13th

As luck would have it, I think once a week my body tests out being thin. Last week's day was Friday, when I woke up at 65.2 kg on my rocket scales. This may or may not have had something to do with the extreme amount of alcohol I had consumed the night before, and the fact I was very dehydrated. Ah, no matter...! I weighed in at WW at 65.5kg (sneaky sneaky), and had 'lost' another 400gms.

BUT

Since then, as to be expected after copious volumes of alcohol, I have been hovering around 66/66.5, in the mornings, 67.5 at nights. Oh dear. Seems I have recorded an artifical low on my WW booklet...!

So, this week, I am following the 'Fast Start' program again, sticking to 18 points and eating the menu as prescribed. Hopefully it will get me to where my booklet says I am (even though its a big lie!), or at least get me back on track, and away from alcohol...

I hope everyone had a rad Valentine's Day and didn't overdo it ;)

More ranting about bloat

So, I was due to weigh in yesterday, or today, or tomorrow. But my home scales are saying that I'm anywhere between 66.0 - 67.6 kgs at any time of day. I don't think I could handle officially going 'up' in my WW booklet, not now that I'm so close to the end!

I don't understand how and why my body isn't going back to how it felt last week - which was around 65.5.

I've tried drinking lots of water, avoiding salt, exercising, etc... But it's still hanging around! Plus I'm sticking to points. Bah. I've got no idea. Keep you posted.

I see it's time to get on my soap-box...

Now, what was I just saying??? I received this is in an email today, from a girlfriend in the states. Along with a whole heap of other fluffy-angel-miracle garbage embedded in html in the email with oversized multi-coloured font, the prevailing message of the email was 'love thy sister/amazing girlfriend' or something along those lines. Yet lo and behold, at the bottom of the email, had snuck in THIS sneaky sucker.

I see this as manifest proof re: my treatise on frenemy culture. Clearly, this is such a rife phenomenon that there are email jokes about it!

Why do we yearn for the misfortune of others to enhance ourselves? Is this overly cute picture with poignant typefont actually a mirror to the modern psyche? Is the cat correct - if surrounded by morbidly obese lasses, will I feel superior by comparison? Is this cat actually evil, conjuring ill-fortune for those she loves best?

I suppose this reflects a few truisms: firstly, that being comparatively thinner to one's nearest and dearest may result in a self-viewed role of 'the thin one.' Is it the Bridezilla phenomenon again? An ugly maid of honour to throw one's bridal beauty into starker contrast?

Conversely, it is equally true that if one's nearest and dearest are quite slim and healthy, one can feel healthy and slim by extension, and indeed grow (shrink) to be more like them. Similarly, I believe that if one has a stunning bridal party, then you must be pretty stunning too ;)

So why yearn for negative contrast to make one feel superior, when we could reflect beauty that's already there instead? It's win-win!

And really, the cat creeps me out.

the runaround

So, at 8.30 this morning, I managed to get out for a 5 bonus point run (according to Sassy the sensible sports watch and heart rate monitor). 45 minutes in the pre-heat, where the shade is ok, but the sun is HOT.

This is what I wear. Does that make me a wanker? I am very interested to know.

The source of my curiosity lies in why people look when someone is having a little jog. Apart from obviously needing to look at you in order to steer clear, is it because they're thinking 'if I didn't have to go to work, I'd get fit too'? Or is it more along the lines of 'that girl is struggling, I'm glad I'm not exercising in public!' or, to be completely crass, is it because my tits bounce when I run? Is it Adorno's Shaudenfraude, the 'largely unanticipated delight in the suffering of another which is cognized as trivial and/or appropriate'?

I feel this is why when people lose weight, they begin to feel justified in their new-found confidence, mistaking attention from others as enmity and jealousy. It's a very strange phenomenon. I know -rationally- that now I look 'normal', or just as thin/fat as most other people, being a 10-12. But the little voice in my head, which has gotten louder since I've lost weight, is telling me that other people are jealous of my achievement. The irrational aspect ot that is that people in the street don't know what I used to look like, so to them it's 'what achievement?'!

Another person I know, who has lost a very impressive 40kg, has also grown a little attitude to go along with it. His new outlook on life is 'I'm totally awesome, better than you, you and you, don't even talk to me, I'm so cool.' Well, that's on the outside anyway. Inside, I'm sure its more like 'they think I'm fat, and maybe I am?! I'll act like I don't care, and everything will be fine. But I do look good, so whatever. That's why they're looking at me. Is it? I'm such a fraud!'

How do you achieve balance after you've lost weight? Self-confidence is necessary, but how to stop before it's conceit? And I'm still interested to know: why do people look when you run?

The bets are in

Anyone place a bet?

Anyone at all? Doesn't matter, but I wish I'd placed a bet at my imaginary bookie, that's for sure.

65.9kg

The odds of that were 100-1.

Yessssssssssss........!!!!!

Counting chickens

Right. Disregard all posts about bloat. I don't understand my body at all. Clearly.

This morning, ta-da! 65.8kg. Who would have thunk it possible that in less than two days my body would just drop 2.3kg. For FUN. My body has a weird sense of humour.

Anyway, will be weighing in at WW today lunchtime to confirm or deny this. It could well be that the scales are having a laugh. Oh, plus I need to take into account, erm, clothes for the weigh in. So let's say I weigh-in at 66.1kg today. Place your bets, people! 66.1kg is the favourite at 2-1, between 66.2-67kg is a close second at 3-1, and the outside chance of less than 66kg gets odds of 100-1.

*Maniacal laugh*

Oh geeeeez. So, I put it out there that I was going to have to live with stress, and what does the universe provide?? 1.6 kilos of STRESSSSS!!!!

I had resigned to dealing with bloat, but this is ridiculous. My magic scales (measuring fat, water, muscle and bone %) say that this morning I weighed 68.1, was dehydrated, and had jumped up 1.5% fat. IN TWO DAYS!

While I am not taking this at face value, I can't attribute this strange swing to anything particular (haven't eaten a bucket of lard lately, nor wallowed in cheeseburgers). Thus it has mysterious origins, and hopefully will disappear just as easily and mysteriously.

I can only blame the hot weather, drinking/retaining a lot of fluid and the scales being wrong.
Or leprechauns. They're always up to no good.

How to achieve the gentle look, and other factoids

I was flicking through a book about perception from the 1970s and stumbled on this fab illustrated how-to-do 'look'. They omitted that to achieve this 'look', one must have half a nose, eyes like a cow, strange, nebulous hair and eyebrows that have been waxed, lifted and tattooed back on. A tall order for any girl.

It reminded me rather of the Weight Watcher's 'makeover' booklet which outlines a series of face shapes and corresponding hairstyles and make-up hints. They recommend that one with a round face shape paints their face with two distinct shades of foundation:
"Place your highlight colour on the forehead, under the eyes, the top of the cheeks and the centre of your chin. Then use the darker shade for the temples, cheeks and jaw."

But I ask: Will this fool ANYONE?

Why is giving you face army-fatigue type camouflage going to help? So that you can blend the sides of your face into wood-panelled walls? Feel at home in timber furniture stores?
One might be better off glueing the lengths of one's hair to the side of one's face to disguise the unsightliness of a round face. Either that, or just get over it and accept that an 'oval' face shape isn't the new black. Neither is it the new army fatigue.

So, we haven't really come so far since 1973, after all.

66.5 - Still Alive

I totally bought a new dress. It's cheap, from Cotton On in the vicinity of $35. But I don't care! It's my little self-congratulation for the 500 grams I kicked off my body this week!

Now only 2.5kg to WW goal weight. I've pledged with a fellow WW member to try to kick the last of this before the end of Feb. Can I do it? 2.5kg in the shortest month of the year? To top it off, can I keep my stress levels down from unrelated (but equally pressing) things in order to focus on weight loss?

Why not?

It's taken me a while to realise (27 years give or take a month) that I'll have to keep living with stress. I have believed for a long time that there'll be some magical time when I'm not stressed (though there will be times I'm less stressed). So I'm no longer delaying my present happiness in lieu of that magical future time. I need my stress to relax me, in the present! So, with my 2.5kg final hurdle ahead of me, I'm shopping for a new outlook on life. One that allows me to get through stressful situations like a hot knife through butter. No longer smashing my head against brick walls, but letting difficult situations resolve themselves, with my help, but without worrying about it.

And positive reinforcement through dress shopping is the only way to get there.

Update on bloat

All my bloat-related fears have been allayed. Sneaky look at the scales this avo says I'm now back to 66.7, only 0.3kg above my lowest last week. Phew. Now to get back down to 66.4 by tomorrow...

Blaming bloat.

BLOAT.

The enemy of the weight loss advocate. This is my bloat (snapped fresh this morning) from yesterday's Australia Day (Invasion Day) festivities. My bloat weighs 1.2 kilos, at least I went into the festivities yesterday weighing 66.4kg on the rocket scales, and have come out considerably worse-for-wear this morning at 67.6 kilos.

Re-negged on my promise to stay good this week, you say? Well, strictly speaking, NO! Yesterday I was remarkably good, considering the whole place was crawling with full-fat mayo salads, meat in various forms, all with extra fat, and cakes, CAKES galore. Not to mention the alcohol. Yet, I got away with confining my consumption to the baby potato salad recipe (WW, 2pts per serve), 1.5 glasses of red wine, 2 pieces of lamb, spinach and pumpkin salad and a piece of pav (with 5 extra points for miscellaneous). I think, all in all, and over-estimating for safety's sake, I came in just over points yesterday, around 21 (I'm on 19).

So, why the bloat today? I have a sneaking suspicion my body knew it was weigh-in today, and has rallied its forces against me. Not really. But I DO think its the alcohol. These days, the slightest amount of alcohol in my bloodstream makes my body retain! retain! retain! (like a fat-storing stockbroker hoarding shares).

I know this bloat will have gone by tomorrow (and I will weigh in on Thursday to prove it..!), but I'm getting SICK and TIRED of the up-and-down caused by alcohol. So, I'm adding another thing to my agenda. No alcohol for February. OUCH. This will be difficult, I have many friends' birthdays this month, but it's the only way I'm going to kick the final 3kg to get to life time membership (well, 3.6kg as of today) before the end of Feb. Wish me luck.

Sneaky peaky

Sneaky look at the scales say... 66.5kg!

But this is anecdotal.

Let's wait until WW weigh-in next Tuesday to find out for sure.

I put this turn of events down to the fact that the other night I went for a run at 9pm. HARDCORE! That being said, I completely binge-ate on Wednesday at a dinner, and had to compensate. So yesterday's efforts were to save points (I ate 16/19) and to do some exercise... hence the late-night run. On track to lose this week. Fingers crossed.

The verdict

The weigh-in came and went... yet I remained the same.


67kgs.


Actually, I've been weighing in randomly on my magic scales, and surprisingly, they almost always say 67.3kg - whether it's first thing in the morning, after lunch or before bed.


I don't think they're broken.


Here's to changing them to say 66.3 (or less) by Tuesday of next week. So, I'd better go for that walk.

A few resolutions

I have a few resolutions which I started putting into practice today.

The first is that for the next week, at least, I'm sticking to 18 points and doing the Weight Watcher's 'fast start' program, which they recommend for anyone stuck with their weight loss.

The second is that I am going to -regardless of a stressful and busy schedule- EXERCISE! I love exercising, except for when I forget how much I like it, and then it slowly builds up to being a chore. But in order not to forget, I'm going to earn between 2-4 bonus points of exercise a day, which translates to a 35 minute jog (4 points) or a bit of a bicycle somewhere.

The third, most important, is that I am going to weigh-in every week! I've avoided weighing in for the last two weeks! And this is not unusual for me. So, to ramp up my weight loss, I'm going to do it every week, rain, hail, shine or chocolate.

I started this morning, have stuck to my 18 points today, and went for a little jog this morning. So far, so good.

The benefits of fat

The last 8 1/2 months have been an amazing journey. But before I get too introspective, I have to discuss one appalling side-effect of losing weight. First, some background. Both in 2007 and 2008 I spent 2 months of the year in the lovely, glow-lamp that is the Greek sun. Mainly on beaches, but also in olive groves and mountain-slopes (for my work). This added up to a tan that made my friends envious when would I come swanning back from Europe at the end of Aussie winter.

So, I just thought that my newly-forming crow's feet were a result of this year's soujourn to Greece. So distraught, I actually racked up quite a bill on my credit card on the way back through Dubai, everything from concealer to miracle 'collagen' eye cream. Of course, none of these have worked. I'm beginning to understand the plight of older women who suddenly realise their own mortality and make a made scramble for every beauty product they can buy (as previously recognised by L'Oreal, Olay and SK II) - I am now one of these.

Yet only after a modicum of reflection did I realise that the crow's feet were forming - not with exposure to sun (as this had not happened in 2007), but with WEIGHT LOSS! Of course, this equals 'duh' to a lot of people who've already experienced this phenomenon. But I was happily enjoying the youthful facial features that my 80 kilo body was providing, not realising that a slimmer body would result in a noticeably more haggard face!

I'm now beginning to understand the oft-touted quote of actress Catherin Deneuve: "A 30-year-old woman must choose between her bottom and her face." And how true that is.

Measurements again!

Last time I checked in:

Neck: 31.5cm
Upper Arm: 27.5cm
Chest: 87cm
Waist: 68cm
Abdomen: 83cm
Hips: 94cm
Thigh: 57.5cm
Calf: 36.5cm

Now:

Neck: 31cm
Upper Arm: 27cm
Chest: 87cm
Waist: 67cm
Abdomen: 81cm
Hips: 93cm
Thigh: 56cm
Calf: 35.8cm

Yesssssssss..... lost 7.2 cms in the last month. Total loss: 91.7cms. I'm closing in on a meter!

Who says you can't fight your jeans?

Jeans! I used to be so afraid of them. Now I'm knocking 'em down like they were pins at a bowling alley. I remember, two years ago, I had purchased a cheap pair of jeans - the only size 14 I could find that would do up, and not look ridiculous. On reflection (and some information about the measurements for standard clothing sizes), I realise when I was squeezing into those sad cheap size 14s, I was probably closer to a size 18 - not funny. I found a size 18 garment in my favourite store -SAVERS- and upon reading the tag, realised my old measurements were exactly that! Again, not funny!

But I'm pleased to report that I will need to alter the garment purchased yesterday at savers by removing a LARGE amount of the material to make it fit! Incidentally, the size 12 Lee jeans I'm wearing above were purchased from Savers a few months ago. They were snug as a bug and even forced out a slight bulge. Now they are noticeably relaxed, verging on loose. And the bonus with Savers clothes is that they are pre-stretched, so if they used to fit, but now they are loose, there's only one explanation for it!

Frenemies.

Right, so I toyed with whether or not to blog about this, but I've decided to go ahead with it. I'm starting to receive some mildly disturbing comments on my weight loss!

A friend who I see around every 6 months (she lives overseas) recently stated: 'You really are very thin, now.' Rather than immediately over-analysing this statement, I practiced my newly-installed technique of accepting complements (and accepting double-edged complements and deconstructing them later), with a 'Thanks! I've got a little bit more to go, but I'm feeling pretty good about myself these days.' It was after I reeled off my standard answer that I noticed the stern, slightly disapproving look on her face. She then launched into a dissertation-defense like diatribe about how she needed to get back to the gym, but she couldn't because it's too cold where she lives, about how she's put on weight over Christmas, etc etc. I listened, slightly astonished at the intensity with which she was delivering this information. I made some placating comments along the lines of: 'It's Christmas! Everyone eats and enjoys themselves, it all comes out in the wash...' but she was having none of it. It was clear that my weight loss success was, by extension, making her miserable and self-conscious (BTW, she is a size 10 who had previously lost a lot of weight, but has maintained her svelte figure for over two years now).

While I was able to put this comment down to standard, post-Christmas trauma, I received another one just last night. Another good size 10 friend (though closer to a 9 than an 11) commented yesterday: 'You're leaving me behind, whittling yourself down like that...' I must have had a puzzled look on my face, because she clarified with: 'Stop losing weight! You're leaving me behind in the 10s, heading the same way as these two [gesturing to our mutual sizes 6-8 friends]. I need you as a buffer!' (At least, I think that's what she said, I was utterly shocked by this point.)

While the full extent of this hasn't actually sunk in yet, I am trying to take these comments with good-natured openness. Yet the angry creature inside me wants to snap: 'So, you need me to be the fat girl so you can be slimmer than someone?' And at the same time, I'm shocked/thrilled that she considers me to be on the verge of being slimmer than her...?! I recall a time when I was envious of her - quite amazing - physique, and frankly, I'm still very envious! She has an amazing body. And, last night, it seems that she revealed she thinks of herself as quite a bit larger than she actually is, and that my change is making her feel uncomfortable about her size.

Now, the point of these two stories is that my primary aim in losing weight was to look and feel better about myself. The secondary aim was - perhaps - to inspire others, rather than make them feel uncomfortable, or defensive! At this point I'm feeling like change (for the positive) should just be celebrated, but it seems it only gets celebrated when it doesn't cut someone else's grass. I guess I'm pushing a lot of people's buttons, firstly by changing myself, and in turn by changing their perception of me. This process has definitely culled a lot of phony frenemies from the pack, who were my friends only when they could feel 'better' than me...

A couch on a bike?

Aaaah, Christmas, a time for giving and receiving. Receiving couches that fit directly onto one's bicycle, that is! I've had this masterpiece of a bike for around 8 months, since the beginning of permanent lifestyle change plan A. It was procured in a country op-shop for the grand sum of $20, which embarrassingly, I had to borrow from my mother (day before pay day, you understand). Anyway, a $90 service and some new brakes later, my bike was completely rideable! I recall riding it to one of my first WW meetings, which is around 10 blocks away, or about a 15 minute ride. The way there was fine, being predominantly downhill. On the way back however, and I began to notice how remarkably HARD the seat was. So hard, in fact, that I had two bruises on my backside where my sit-bones contacted the seat! Needless to say, the bike remained un-ridden for the next 7 months... until, TA-DA! A couch appeared from nowhere and fixed itself onto my bike. Now I'm gliding comfortably everywhere from the supermarket, to my WW meet, to Uni, and just around the block because it is more comfortable than my desk chair. Next stop, bike seat for desk chair.

Ticking along

Well, I added a ticker to the bottom of the blog. Now we can all see exactly where I'm at!

When it rains, it falls

Despite a two-week hiatus in my weight management efforts (Christmas, Boxing Day, New Year's and many-a-day in between) I miraculously lost an entire kilogram at my latest weigh-in! I had been bobbing around the 68kg mark, weighing in at 68.1kg two days before Christmas. But lo and behold, yesterday the scales tipped in my favour and screamed '67' at me!

An entire turkey, and entire ham, two entire boxes of truffles, an entire lamb on a spit, kilograms of potatoes, litres and litres of wine - all consumed by me during my week of shame. And yet I'm all the lighter for it!

I blame (congratulate) two things:

Firstly, my charming beau purchased me some very fancy scales as my Christmas present, which calculate body fat, muscle, bone density and hydration, as well as weight, and how many KCal you can eat per day to maintain your current weight. I bit the bullet and weighed myself after Christmas, and the damage wasn't that bad. Knowledge IS power, I guess... Brilliant!

Secondly, we were entertaining an international guest and ended up doing a lot of activities, including shopping, beaching and climbing to the waterfall you see above.

I often forget that just because I might not count something (ie. an extra mouthful, or an extra stroll around the block), it doesn't mean my body doesn't remember! Just because I went AWOL and didn't count points (reallllly) for two weeks, doesn't mean my body wasn't doing the tallying for me. And apparently my good habits are starting to become ingrained, finally, after 8 months of counting points every day!