Teetering on the edge

This post is about depression. Turn away now if you've never experienced it. Apologies for the length, but this post has been a long time coming!

Firstly, I am not depressed right now. I know this to be true because I have been depressed before, and I now know the warning signs, the behaviour, the symptoms, the horrible feeling. In a large step up from full-blown depresssion, I am currently just a little anxious and mildly stressed - but only in relation to a specific thing, not in relation to EVERYTHING, which, for me, was how depression played itself out.

I've been thinking about depression a lot lately, for a number of reasons. In particular, because I have a friend who swears by medication, and who while I was depressed and recovering, was telling me I wouldn't be able to get over it without medication also. In fact, I have several friends who have used anti-depressants, who all report the same feelings, which is the removal of the background anxiety and the ability to move through the day without panic attacks and emotional reactions to stressful things that previously would have prevented them from taking action.

For myself, I chose not to have medication. Initially because I didn't believe I was depressed, I believed that everything was just f**ked up, the world was cruel and that I was a failure and a victim of its cruelty. How could medication change any of THOSE things?! That's the real trick with depression, it masquerades as your own thoughts and actions, pretends to be you, pretends to be the way the world IS, rather than the warped filter between you and the world, and how your actions continue to perpetuate the negative things in your life.

I was lucky, I have an excellent friend (a life coach incidentally) who spotted my behaviour and set about 'fixing me'. She intervened in my miserable existence, made me accountable for my circumstances and told me I could fix it all! I hardly dared believe her. I felt like everything was out of my control, and that I was a victim of circumstance. I'd chosen 'not to care' anymore, but inside I was miserable. And my misery flowed out into everything I did, creating more misery. She cut off this pattern, making me examine my own assumptions. What was making everything bad? My negative reactions to situations. What was making me overweight? The fact that I thought 'the only thing I enjoy is a block of chocolate and a dvd, and I deserve to do something I enjoy seeing as my life is so unenjoyable.'

I started changing some of the more ingrained negative habits I'd perpetuated. Slowly they fell away, situations changed and became more positive. I won a $3000 grant because of taking positive direct action - which I would have missed out on had I not utilised opportunities presented to me, if I'd kept playing the victim. Joining Weight Watchers 'just to get the ball rolling' (ironically, as I thought I only needed to lose 5kgs, not 20kgs!!!), I lost weight steadily over 2008, while my circumstances kept getting brighter and brighter. I made choices regarding friendship, keeping my real friends and discarding my sabotaging frenemies for good. I made steady progress with my studies - the result of my new positive mindset - which previously I had thought just too hard, that I'd bitten off more than I could chew out of ignorance. Now I have made important discoveries and contributions to my field - because I believed I could, did the work, and voila!

And instead of turning to medication (I see the effect it has on my friend and wonder if it is actually helping her, or just delaying her from finding real-life tools to deal with her depression), I started running. Ha! I know! Running...!! Pfffft. Ok, so I started with 100m jogs, after which I was puffed, beetroot coloured in the face and exhausted, with long slow walks in between to catch my breath. Slowly they came together into longer jogs. Then I realised I was going too fast, slowed my jogging pace considerably and managed to jog an entire kilometer, albeit very slowly. After a year, I now I run about 3km five times a week, quite fast actually! I'm looking to increase this by joining some 5km fun runs and training for them.

I had been told about the link between exercise and happiness, but did not believe it for one second. HA! As if running, which HURTS, could make me happy?! What kind of counter-logic was that? But... I started noticing that if I didn't run for three days, I would flag a little. Everything would go a little grey, and the old mindset and feelings would crop up. The closest analogy I can think of is the 'hangover' feeling - where something's wrong, but you're not sure what it is, maybe it's something I did last night?! A little anxiety and paranoia = the first signs of depression.

So I ran. I ran to relieve study stress. I ran to relieve life-stress. I ran for mental health, not 'to be skinny', although it had both effects. I continue to run because it actually makes me happy, relaxed, calm, positive. Combined with the other choices I make, I hardly ever feel guilty, worried/anxious (about nothing), negative, angry, sad, or overwhelmed - which is how I felt ALL THE TIME only this time last year.

And now I feel pretty good about this being out in the open. I hope it helps anyone who feels affinity with it. All I can say is that it gets better if you want it to, and take steps to change it - whatever it is. If you start changing one thing, others follow, because you no longer want to tolerate unhappiness in your life. You don't allow it to be there anymore. Also, you can do it without medication (chocolate every night in my case!).

Wow, that made me feel better! I've been carrying all this around for a year, longer!
xxx