I looooove to couuuunt!!

May this be my motto until I reach goal weight. It's pretty much the only thing I have control over. I'm training myself to love doing what I do, knowing that it is the best thing for me, so I may as well enjoy doing what's good!

That goes for lots of things in my life. I'm training myself to love studying, rather than resent it or fear that I'm not good enough, or think about what else I could be doing. That's a recipe for unhappiness right there! Not to mention never finishing study because it takes a million times as long when you resist it.

The same for losing weight! There's counting, and then there's making things 'fit' within your points to make it seem like you're counting. Sometimes even fooling yourself in the process. This is what I do, occasionally.

And seeing as the scales haven't really been going anywhere for the last month, despite sticking to 19 points, then 18 points on a week of fast start, and upping exercise, I'd say I'm doing something wrong. Time to get the Count to give me an audit...

The Miracle of Fast Start

I'm considering changing religions. I've discovered a new holy book. It is blue-green and has the words 'Fast Start' emblazoned on its cover. I'm endebted to this book. It is a miracle of creation.

At this stage, I may be naming my children 'Fast' and 'Start.' That is how much I love it.

This morning, my scales clocked in at an unimpressive 66.1. I sighed, resigned to my fate of hovering around 66kg FOREVER, and thought 'it could be worse'.

But lo and behold, for the first time in recorded history, my scales are now reading a static 65.4kg AFTER LUNCH AND A LITRE OF WATER! This has never happened before. 65.4kg has only been a reality prior to consuming anything, and only when very dehydrated/physically ill. I have confirmed this several times just to be sure... yep, still the same!

So, I proclaim my allegiance to the miracle of Fast Start! It is only halfway through the week and already it is showing results, imagine what it will do by Monday!

Studytown = Stresstown

Right, so quick update on weight, I'm currently around 65.8 after brekky, which is good if you ask me! Day two of Fast Start, and already I'm noticing a difference. I think because I wouldn't normally spend 7 points on dinner, I'd eat a 4-5 point dinner then hoard the rest for... oh... as many WW ice-creams I could stuff in my gob. Fast Start really does help with one's bad habits that have concreted over the last 9 months.

Back to the point: I may have previously mentioned this, but I'm STUDYING. I have been studying since I left high school, and that was a fair while back. In fact, I've been studying so long I've forgotten what it was like not to have a constant and pervading feeling guilt whenever I relax (because if I'm relaxing, I'm NOT studying and thus not getting any closer to being able to finish study).

Anyway, I always had a problem when it came to balancing stress and motivation. Often, I would procrastinate until the very last minute, then be propelled by guilt and the fear of failure towards a heroic effort (ie. 4 all-nighters in a row to write an essay/chapter). To fuel these all nighters, I would inevitably reach for blocks of chocolate, pots of coffee and generally shitty comfort food. This would ensure I had the motivation to power through it, as well as the sugar and caffeine highs.

HOWEVER, since I started WW 9 months ago, I wasn't able to continue doing this, and expect to lose weight. So, initially, I modified it. I would still react to stress with unsustainable behaviour, but my sugar and caffeine highs were replaced with diet soft drinks and a few points-budgeted snacks. I managed to struggle through.

But in the last few months, I've been cultivating much better behaviour, generally. Not pulling all nighters, but doing work before the last minute. Working consistently, one might call it. But now I'm encountering a new problem... wanting to do better! At the moment I can't bust through a particularly difficult part of my work, and I'm finding myself reaching for comfort foods to stimulate my brain. That old link between eating chocolate and achieving the impossible (a whole chapter in 4 nights) seems to be resurfacing. It's as thought chocolate actually silences the part of my brain that talks smack while I'm trying to think (ie. The voice that says 'You can't do this! It's too hard! Your'e too dumb! Idiot! Aaaahh ha ha ha! I'm destroying you! You'll never escape me!')

So, the battle between good and evil is on, again.

The events of Friday the 13th

As luck would have it, I think once a week my body tests out being thin. Last week's day was Friday, when I woke up at 65.2 kg on my rocket scales. This may or may not have had something to do with the extreme amount of alcohol I had consumed the night before, and the fact I was very dehydrated. Ah, no matter...! I weighed in at WW at 65.5kg (sneaky sneaky), and had 'lost' another 400gms.

BUT

Since then, as to be expected after copious volumes of alcohol, I have been hovering around 66/66.5, in the mornings, 67.5 at nights. Oh dear. Seems I have recorded an artifical low on my WW booklet...!

So, this week, I am following the 'Fast Start' program again, sticking to 18 points and eating the menu as prescribed. Hopefully it will get me to where my booklet says I am (even though its a big lie!), or at least get me back on track, and away from alcohol...

I hope everyone had a rad Valentine's Day and didn't overdo it ;)

More ranting about bloat

So, I was due to weigh in yesterday, or today, or tomorrow. But my home scales are saying that I'm anywhere between 66.0 - 67.6 kgs at any time of day. I don't think I could handle officially going 'up' in my WW booklet, not now that I'm so close to the end!

I don't understand how and why my body isn't going back to how it felt last week - which was around 65.5.

I've tried drinking lots of water, avoiding salt, exercising, etc... But it's still hanging around! Plus I'm sticking to points. Bah. I've got no idea. Keep you posted.

I see it's time to get on my soap-box...

Now, what was I just saying??? I received this is in an email today, from a girlfriend in the states. Along with a whole heap of other fluffy-angel-miracle garbage embedded in html in the email with oversized multi-coloured font, the prevailing message of the email was 'love thy sister/amazing girlfriend' or something along those lines. Yet lo and behold, at the bottom of the email, had snuck in THIS sneaky sucker.

I see this as manifest proof re: my treatise on frenemy culture. Clearly, this is such a rife phenomenon that there are email jokes about it!

Why do we yearn for the misfortune of others to enhance ourselves? Is this overly cute picture with poignant typefont actually a mirror to the modern psyche? Is the cat correct - if surrounded by morbidly obese lasses, will I feel superior by comparison? Is this cat actually evil, conjuring ill-fortune for those she loves best?

I suppose this reflects a few truisms: firstly, that being comparatively thinner to one's nearest and dearest may result in a self-viewed role of 'the thin one.' Is it the Bridezilla phenomenon again? An ugly maid of honour to throw one's bridal beauty into starker contrast?

Conversely, it is equally true that if one's nearest and dearest are quite slim and healthy, one can feel healthy and slim by extension, and indeed grow (shrink) to be more like them. Similarly, I believe that if one has a stunning bridal party, then you must be pretty stunning too ;)

So why yearn for negative contrast to make one feel superior, when we could reflect beauty that's already there instead? It's win-win!

And really, the cat creeps me out.

the runaround

So, at 8.30 this morning, I managed to get out for a 5 bonus point run (according to Sassy the sensible sports watch and heart rate monitor). 45 minutes in the pre-heat, where the shade is ok, but the sun is HOT.

This is what I wear. Does that make me a wanker? I am very interested to know.

The source of my curiosity lies in why people look when someone is having a little jog. Apart from obviously needing to look at you in order to steer clear, is it because they're thinking 'if I didn't have to go to work, I'd get fit too'? Or is it more along the lines of 'that girl is struggling, I'm glad I'm not exercising in public!' or, to be completely crass, is it because my tits bounce when I run? Is it Adorno's Shaudenfraude, the 'largely unanticipated delight in the suffering of another which is cognized as trivial and/or appropriate'?

I feel this is why when people lose weight, they begin to feel justified in their new-found confidence, mistaking attention from others as enmity and jealousy. It's a very strange phenomenon. I know -rationally- that now I look 'normal', or just as thin/fat as most other people, being a 10-12. But the little voice in my head, which has gotten louder since I've lost weight, is telling me that other people are jealous of my achievement. The irrational aspect ot that is that people in the street don't know what I used to look like, so to them it's 'what achievement?'!

Another person I know, who has lost a very impressive 40kg, has also grown a little attitude to go along with it. His new outlook on life is 'I'm totally awesome, better than you, you and you, don't even talk to me, I'm so cool.' Well, that's on the outside anyway. Inside, I'm sure its more like 'they think I'm fat, and maybe I am?! I'll act like I don't care, and everything will be fine. But I do look good, so whatever. That's why they're looking at me. Is it? I'm such a fraud!'

How do you achieve balance after you've lost weight? Self-confidence is necessary, but how to stop before it's conceit? And I'm still interested to know: why do people look when you run?

The bets are in

Anyone place a bet?

Anyone at all? Doesn't matter, but I wish I'd placed a bet at my imaginary bookie, that's for sure.

65.9kg

The odds of that were 100-1.

Yessssssssssss........!!!!!

Counting chickens

Right. Disregard all posts about bloat. I don't understand my body at all. Clearly.

This morning, ta-da! 65.8kg. Who would have thunk it possible that in less than two days my body would just drop 2.3kg. For FUN. My body has a weird sense of humour.

Anyway, will be weighing in at WW today lunchtime to confirm or deny this. It could well be that the scales are having a laugh. Oh, plus I need to take into account, erm, clothes for the weigh in. So let's say I weigh-in at 66.1kg today. Place your bets, people! 66.1kg is the favourite at 2-1, between 66.2-67kg is a close second at 3-1, and the outside chance of less than 66kg gets odds of 100-1.