Well ladies and gents,
I've DONE IT!
I've cracked the 1 metre milestone! Yes, I've lost over 100 centimetres from my combined body measurements since this exact time last year. Quite fitting, don't you think?
Next on the agenda, WW goal weight! Yep, still not at that one, although my scales are hovering around 64.2 (WW scales = 64.4). So sooooooon, my pretties, very sooooooon!
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Holiday snaps
Aaaaah, holidays. The thought of cameras on holidays used to make me run for the hills (see my oldest post for snaps in the USA in 2006). Now, as you can see, I've become a lens vixen. Vanity! It's exciting to be vain, if only until I get some more wrinkles and become camera shy once more. Which is likely to be soon given all my sunbathing activity of late.
Yes, so, I was in Fiji during the dramatic events of last week. Which we didn't hear about AT ALL, given that they pander to tourists on resorts as though we're in a completely different country. No politics, no worries. Just please spend you money here, and leave happy. We'll keep smiling for you, you won't realise a thing! It made me feel very strange, stuck in a glass cage. Locals unwilling to discuss anything of importance with you, and change the subject back to you on the assumption that all Westerners are a) rich, b) self-obsessed *ahem* c) utterly disinterested in them as people, because they are an 'experience', and therefore we're really just back at b) again. Furthermore, there are 'towns' constructed purely for tourists to feel like they are getting out of their resort into 'real' Fiji. Ridiculous!
I'm in endless fascination of this, if only because I feel so guilty for visiting a country just to relax, without much interest in their politics. Although I tried immensely to enjoy myself (and 80% of the time succeeded), I had the nagging feeling of ignorance. Piggish ignorance. Feed your face, lie on the beach, drink some cocktails, stay ignorant.
Fiji saw a 2kg weight gain, not the predicted loss (ha!). This reversal is currently under construction. Stay tuned. :)
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Fiji Time!
While there is a demonic thunderstorm outside, I can't help but think of the serene waters in my future. It's almost Fiji time! Tomorrow I'm off for a week, with the intention of doing everything I normally do, except on a tropical island. This includes losing weight rather than gainin, seeing as today I am mustering the bravado to weigh-in after so long, only to lose 200gms, or thereabouts.But when I return, sunkissed from my tropical paradise, I will be a kilo lighter, and a thesis chapter richer.
Bula!
Monday, March 30, 2009
Hope and disappointment
Well this week has been a week of losses rather than victories. And not the good kind of losses, either. I know I look happy - that's just to mask the disappointment lurking behind that smile.
This dress is because I'm going to a book launch and out to dinner tonight, and felt like wearing something original. You know, express my individuality - no Cotton On dresses today. The cat is just because it's that time of day, he's waiting for a cuddle.
This week I did not achieve my WW goal weight of 64kg. I'm still hovering around 64.8kg. Despite 45 bonus points of exercise, there was no loss this week.
On the study/life front, everything seems to be falling down, or at least severely stalling. It's back to the drawing board for some aspects of my study - setting my timeline back a lot. It's difficult to look to the future knowing it's going to be a little bit harder from now on. Not even the prospect of a tropical island in less than a week is making me happy - as I know it will just set me back on the weight loss and study fronts on which I have been working so hard to achieve. No relaxation can come when my mind is so turbulent!
So I put on a pretty dress to fix everything. And cuddle my kitty.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
TTOM as they say
Plans to weigh-in and claim goal weight have been completely disrupted by the natural cycle that determines my weight. That time of month!
Instead, I have been lethargic on the couch, fantasising about chocolate and generally weepy re: the biggest loser and teen movies.
Thus, plans for world domination, goal weight and maintenance are postponed until next week. Y'see, I shouldn't have counted my chickens...!
Instead, I have been lethargic on the couch, fantasising about chocolate and generally weepy re: the biggest loser and teen movies.
Thus, plans for world domination, goal weight and maintenance are postponed until next week. Y'see, I shouldn't have counted my chickens...!
Monday, March 23, 2009
It's almost here...!
GOAL WEIGHT!
It's so close, I can smell it. Yesterday morning I weighed a nifty 63.9kg on my rocket scales. Tonight, a stable 64.5kg after lots of fluids. I suspect that by tomorrow I will be sufficiently svelte to weigh-in at my Weight Watchers meeting and claim Goal Weight!
Ha-ha! Perhaps I shouldn't count the chickens before they hatch.
But, all being well today, not too much salt, lots of exercise, lots of water, lots of vegies - and no late-night snacks - then tomorrow should go to plan!
Once I'm at WWGW, I still plan to lose another 4kgs, but will be officially beginning the 'maintenance' phase of the plan (meaning, in 6 weeks from goal weight, I will be conferred with Life Time Membership status, and will no longer have to pay for meetings... whoooop!).
Stay tuned!
It's so close, I can smell it. Yesterday morning I weighed a nifty 63.9kg on my rocket scales. Tonight, a stable 64.5kg after lots of fluids. I suspect that by tomorrow I will be sufficiently svelte to weigh-in at my Weight Watchers meeting and claim Goal Weight!
Ha-ha! Perhaps I shouldn't count the chickens before they hatch.
But, all being well today, not too much salt, lots of exercise, lots of water, lots of vegies - and no late-night snacks - then tomorrow should go to plan!
Once I'm at WWGW, I still plan to lose another 4kgs, but will be officially beginning the 'maintenance' phase of the plan (meaning, in 6 weeks from goal weight, I will be conferred with Life Time Membership status, and will no longer have to pay for meetings... whoooop!).
Stay tuned!
Friday, March 20, 2009
Teetering on the edge
This post is about depression. Turn away now if you've never experienced it. Apologies for the length, but this post has been a long time coming!
Firstly, I am not depressed right now. I know this to be true because I have been depressed before, and I now know the warning signs, the behaviour, the symptoms, the horrible feeling. In a large step up from full-blown depresssion, I am currently just a little anxious and mildly stressed - but only in relation to a specific thing, not in relation to EVERYTHING, which, for me, was how depression played itself out.
I've been thinking about depression a lot lately, for a number of reasons. In particular, because I have a friend who swears by medication, and who while I was depressed and recovering, was telling me I wouldn't be able to get over it without medication also. In fact, I have several friends who have used anti-depressants, who all report the same feelings, which is the removal of the background anxiety and the ability to move through the day without panic attacks and emotional reactions to stressful things that previously would have prevented them from taking action.
For myself, I chose not to have medication. Initially because I didn't believe I was depressed, I believed that everything was just f**ked up, the world was cruel and that I was a failure and a victim of its cruelty. How could medication change any of THOSE things?! That's the real trick with depression, it masquerades as your own thoughts and actions, pretends to be you, pretends to be the way the world IS, rather than the warped filter between you and the world, and how your actions continue to perpetuate the negative things in your life.
I was lucky, I have an excellent friend (a life coach incidentally) who spotted my behaviour and set about 'fixing me'. She intervened in my miserable existence, made me accountable for my circumstances and told me I could fix it all! I hardly dared believe her. I felt like everything was out of my control, and that I was a victim of circumstance. I'd chosen 'not to care' anymore, but inside I was miserable. And my misery flowed out into everything I did, creating more misery. She cut off this pattern, making me examine my own assumptions. What was making everything bad? My negative reactions to situations. What was making me overweight? The fact that I thought 'the only thing I enjoy is a block of chocolate and a dvd, and I deserve to do something I enjoy seeing as my life is so unenjoyable.'
I started changing some of the more ingrained negative habits I'd perpetuated. Slowly they fell away, situations changed and became more positive. I won a $3000 grant because of taking positive direct action - which I would have missed out on had I not utilised opportunities presented to me, if I'd kept playing the victim. Joining Weight Watchers 'just to get the ball rolling' (ironically, as I thought I only needed to lose 5kgs, not 20kgs!!!), I lost weight steadily over 2008, while my circumstances kept getting brighter and brighter. I made choices regarding friendship, keeping my real friends and discarding my sabotaging frenemies for good. I made steady progress with my studies - the result of my new positive mindset - which previously I had thought just too hard, that I'd bitten off more than I could chew out of ignorance. Now I have made important discoveries and contributions to my field - because I believed I could, did the work, and voila!
And instead of turning to medication (I see the effect it has on my friend and wonder if it is actually helping her, or just delaying her from finding real-life tools to deal with her depression), I started running. Ha! I know! Running...!! Pfffft. Ok, so I started with 100m jogs, after which I was puffed, beetroot coloured in the face and exhausted, with long slow walks in between to catch my breath. Slowly they came together into longer jogs. Then I realised I was going too fast, slowed my jogging pace considerably and managed to jog an entire kilometer, albeit very slowly. After a year, I now I run about 3km five times a week, quite fast actually! I'm looking to increase this by joining some 5km fun runs and training for them.
I had been told about the link between exercise and happiness, but did not believe it for one second. HA! As if running, which HURTS, could make me happy?! What kind of counter-logic was that? But... I started noticing that if I didn't run for three days, I would flag a little. Everything would go a little grey, and the old mindset and feelings would crop up. The closest analogy I can think of is the 'hangover' feeling - where something's wrong, but you're not sure what it is, maybe it's something I did last night?! A little anxiety and paranoia = the first signs of depression.
So I ran. I ran to relieve study stress. I ran to relieve life-stress. I ran for mental health, not 'to be skinny', although it had both effects. I continue to run because it actually makes me happy, relaxed, calm, positive. Combined with the other choices I make, I hardly ever feel guilty, worried/anxious (about nothing), negative, angry, sad, or overwhelmed - which is how I felt ALL THE TIME only this time last year.
And now I feel pretty good about this being out in the open. I hope it helps anyone who feels affinity with it. All I can say is that it gets better if you want it to, and take steps to change it - whatever it is. If you start changing one thing, others follow, because you no longer want to tolerate unhappiness in your life. You don't allow it to be there anymore. Also, you can do it without medication (chocolate every night in my case!).
Wow, that made me feel better! I've been carrying all this around for a year, longer!
xxx
Firstly, I am not depressed right now. I know this to be true because I have been depressed before, and I now know the warning signs, the behaviour, the symptoms, the horrible feeling. In a large step up from full-blown depresssion, I am currently just a little anxious and mildly stressed - but only in relation to a specific thing, not in relation to EVERYTHING, which, for me, was how depression played itself out.
I've been thinking about depression a lot lately, for a number of reasons. In particular, because I have a friend who swears by medication, and who while I was depressed and recovering, was telling me I wouldn't be able to get over it without medication also. In fact, I have several friends who have used anti-depressants, who all report the same feelings, which is the removal of the background anxiety and the ability to move through the day without panic attacks and emotional reactions to stressful things that previously would have prevented them from taking action.
For myself, I chose not to have medication. Initially because I didn't believe I was depressed, I believed that everything was just f**ked up, the world was cruel and that I was a failure and a victim of its cruelty. How could medication change any of THOSE things?! That's the real trick with depression, it masquerades as your own thoughts and actions, pretends to be you, pretends to be the way the world IS, rather than the warped filter between you and the world, and how your actions continue to perpetuate the negative things in your life.
I was lucky, I have an excellent friend (a life coach incidentally) who spotted my behaviour and set about 'fixing me'. She intervened in my miserable existence, made me accountable for my circumstances and told me I could fix it all! I hardly dared believe her. I felt like everything was out of my control, and that I was a victim of circumstance. I'd chosen 'not to care' anymore, but inside I was miserable. And my misery flowed out into everything I did, creating more misery. She cut off this pattern, making me examine my own assumptions. What was making everything bad? My negative reactions to situations. What was making me overweight? The fact that I thought 'the only thing I enjoy is a block of chocolate and a dvd, and I deserve to do something I enjoy seeing as my life is so unenjoyable.'
I started changing some of the more ingrained negative habits I'd perpetuated. Slowly they fell away, situations changed and became more positive. I won a $3000 grant because of taking positive direct action - which I would have missed out on had I not utilised opportunities presented to me, if I'd kept playing the victim. Joining Weight Watchers 'just to get the ball rolling' (ironically, as I thought I only needed to lose 5kgs, not 20kgs!!!), I lost weight steadily over 2008, while my circumstances kept getting brighter and brighter. I made choices regarding friendship, keeping my real friends and discarding my sabotaging frenemies for good. I made steady progress with my studies - the result of my new positive mindset - which previously I had thought just too hard, that I'd bitten off more than I could chew out of ignorance. Now I have made important discoveries and contributions to my field - because I believed I could, did the work, and voila!
And instead of turning to medication (I see the effect it has on my friend and wonder if it is actually helping her, or just delaying her from finding real-life tools to deal with her depression), I started running. Ha! I know! Running...!! Pfffft. Ok, so I started with 100m jogs, after which I was puffed, beetroot coloured in the face and exhausted, with long slow walks in between to catch my breath. Slowly they came together into longer jogs. Then I realised I was going too fast, slowed my jogging pace considerably and managed to jog an entire kilometer, albeit very slowly. After a year, I now I run about 3km five times a week, quite fast actually! I'm looking to increase this by joining some 5km fun runs and training for them.
I had been told about the link between exercise and happiness, but did not believe it for one second. HA! As if running, which HURTS, could make me happy?! What kind of counter-logic was that? But... I started noticing that if I didn't run for three days, I would flag a little. Everything would go a little grey, and the old mindset and feelings would crop up. The closest analogy I can think of is the 'hangover' feeling - where something's wrong, but you're not sure what it is, maybe it's something I did last night?! A little anxiety and paranoia = the first signs of depression.
So I ran. I ran to relieve study stress. I ran to relieve life-stress. I ran for mental health, not 'to be skinny', although it had both effects. I continue to run because it actually makes me happy, relaxed, calm, positive. Combined with the other choices I make, I hardly ever feel guilty, worried/anxious (about nothing), negative, angry, sad, or overwhelmed - which is how I felt ALL THE TIME only this time last year.
And now I feel pretty good about this being out in the open. I hope it helps anyone who feels affinity with it. All I can say is that it gets better if you want it to, and take steps to change it - whatever it is. If you start changing one thing, others follow, because you no longer want to tolerate unhappiness in your life. You don't allow it to be there anymore. Also, you can do it without medication (chocolate every night in my case!).
Wow, that made me feel better! I've been carrying all this around for a year, longer!
xxx
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